Friday, May 23, 2008

Adoption

Lately, I've recognized how jaded and disillusioned I have become regarding adoption. In the beginning, I dreamt about the little boy who would be joining our family. I blogged about our son and my dreams for him, I devoured other families' adoption blogs, and followed every email coming through our agency's Yahoo group. I celebrated homecomings and anticipated our turn. I was in awe of the miraculous heart changes and circumstances that had led us to adoption and it never crossed my mind to doubt what we were doing.

Then we went through losing the referral for Benedict and the referral for JJ after being so sure they were coming home to us. We rode out a storm of drama and suspicion involving our agency, watching two different "truths" expressed by people we still love and admire. We watched families painfully waiting to bring their children home as bureaucracies held them up because of passport supplies, or denied visas, or a demand for DNA testing, and recently we've wondered if the Librian government would even allow adoptions to continue.

Then we had the amazing gift of this miracle pregnancy happen. As it should be, my heart and focus have been on seeing this little boy born healthy. My dreams have been about him lately, and I've purposefully distanced myself from all things adoption. I've needed rest.

But the question has remained. Was all of that miraculous heart change and circumstances made up? Were we really called to adoption? Was the instruction specifically from Liberia and from Acres of Hope?

Last night Pat and I stayed up until midnight talking about it all. The conclusion we came to was, yes, the call was real and the call remains. I've been praying for months for direction and confirmation and there was something about last night's conversation that cleared up a lot of confusion for me. I had begun to question whether it needed to be from Liberia, or if we should pursue domestic adoption. As we talked, it was clear that God is telling us it is Liberia or not at all. That's how we are being led.

The system is still flawed. Honestly, I'm hesitant to jump back on that roller coaster. In fact I'm going to try to stay off of it and just let God work, continuing to focus on what I have right now. I'm even afraid of what it will be like at the end.

All I know is that in order to obey, there is a specific path laid out before us and we have to step forward.

It's hard to be candid about how I'm feeling about this. I want to be able to say, "Yippee! Isn't this wonderful. I'm so excited," but that wouldn't be true. I'm happy to have direction. I'm trusting that the feelings will return as God's plan unfolds, but for now it is a much more subdued and cautious with my heart Becky that is starting the journey again. I am just so thankful to really know that we are doing the right thing. I'm excited to be able to say in the future someday, "Lord, you did exceedingly and abundantly more than we even asked for. Thank you!"

8 comments:

Michelle said...

Thanks for sharing. I've been wondering where your family was at with your adoption. You are in my prayers as you continue to seek direction. Michelle

Sonya said...

Dear Becky,

I am sorry that you have had such heartbreak in the past with adoption and lost pregnancies. But God... God has now given you this baby and He has hand picked another baby in Librian. Our adopted child from Russia was hand picked for our family. The journey has been a hard one. And yet I am so grateful that He loved this child enough to place her in my home. Keep the joy in your heart and expect difficulty while going through the adoption process. Be on the defensive spiritually and God will bring you to the prize in His perfect time.

Thank you for sharing from your heart. God's road is never easy but always worth it in the end!

Tanya said...

While our journey has not been as bumpy as yours, we struggled with the same questions, and came to the same conclusion. I look forward to seeing how God works out the rest of the journey for you:) Tanya

Anonymous said...

We were up late last night and I saw the light on up there...and thought of you guys. It seems like things are clearer for you and I am grateful for that.

See you soon :)
Marisa

INDIANA OPEN said...

I am grateful that you are realizing the issues with adoption. If you are really still looking to adopt, I can get you a good agency that won't mislead you. With this agency you can have the identifying information for your child. You can also be assured that your child's parents were not coerced. You can be assured that your adoption is solid. If you are interested, contact me at amyburt40@yahoo.com or go over to Abrazos.org and call Elizabeth Jurenovich.

Becky said...

I appreciate this offer. After much prayer though, we are convinced that our son, whoever he is, is at now or will be in the Acres of Hope orphanage. Like I said in the post, there have been problems that we are not naive too, but I believe those problems are being addressed. It's weird....this call to adopt for us has been very specific from the beginning and still is....we are supposed to adopt from Liberia and we are supposed to do it through Acres of Hope. We just have to keep trusting that we are where God wants us to be with this.

Jamie said...

Becky, even though you know we haven't had or lost a referral I can so relate to what you're feeling. This pregnancy has taken our minds off of adoption somewhat also (and also this move coming up). Our homestudy will need to be redone in a new state, we will need to update fingerprinting, etc. Although we haven't actually talked much about it at this point I still feel like God is leading us toward adoption. I know it is all in His time and that He will see fit to bring home our child when that time comes. What great joy- to be pregnant and continue on the adoption journey!

Melodie said...

Great update Becky! This is good to hear.