Closing a Chapter in my Life- The Adoption Journey Ends

I had to write a tough email today. I sent an email to Acres of Hope informing them of our decision to stop our adoption process. In the email I asked them to move us to inactive status.

The decision to stop the process has been made for awhile, but I could not bring myself to accept the finality of it. I procrastinated making it final with AOH, and I have been procrastinating making this announcement on here.

Earlier this month, we reached the two year mark of trying to adopt from Liberia. I was so hopeful and excited when we began the journey. I couldn't wait to get our little boy home to us. Many of you reading this have been following our adoption process from the beginning. We have met obstacle after obstacle along the way, and lost two referrals for two little boys who will forever be my spiritual sons. I just kept pushing on, though, thinking we would get there someday. Then more obstacles have come up recently- we missed immigration deadlines, our homestudy update couldn't be completed before our I-600A approval expired. So many doors have shut, but I kept wanting to keep going.

People who have adopted kept telling me, "Obstacles are a part of this process. You have to keep pushing forward to get to the blessing. Don't give up!" But family members gave up a long time ago, some believing it never was God's will for us to adopt and all of the closed doors and obstacles were His way of saying no. One friend felt it was crystal clear to her what the decision needed to be, but nothing was clear to me.

I was so confused. God loves orphans. It is clear in the Bible that His will is for us to take care of them. We wanted to and we tried to, so why didn't He let us. All of this shook my faith a little. Maybe I never really heard His voice. Maybe I made this all up. Maybe as it has been suggested, I only wanted to adopt to fill the void of the losses of my biological babies.

It was only after I finally realized that my husband was ready to move on with our life, that this had become about Becky trying to make something happen, that I knew I needed to give up. Adoption can not be something that only one parent wants to do.

I also realized that part of my motivation to continue included proving the naysayers wrong. I wanted to show them that I did hear God's voice. He did tell us to do this. I did witness those miracles that got us on this journey in the first place. I didn't do this to fill a void. I did this because I was being obedient and sincerely had a desire to adopt. Both of us did. Throughout this process, Pat and I have talked a lot about how we knew we were in God's will. The journey WAS God's will for our family. The destination just ended up in a place so different than I expected. We always said we knew we were on the right road, we just didn't know where that road would end.

So, as strange as it is. As much as it is beyond my understanding. God's will is now for us to no longer try to adopt a child from Liberia. I don't understand, but I do trust.

I just can't say enough how much I have valued and been grateful for the love and prayers that have covered our adoption journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for supporting us through it all.

All my life I have wanted to have children. I looked forward to it. Planned for it. And now we've decided that we are finished building our family. It is time to just BE a family. It is such an odd place to be. It's the closing of one chapter of my life and the opening of a new one.

I can say without hesitation that I am so very, very, very grateful for the three precious kids God has blessed us with. All three are my miracles.

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Impossible?

(This is the devotion I wrote for our church's women's ministry this week)

"Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you." - Jeremiah 32:17 (NIV)

Fret, fret, fret.
Worry, worry, worry.

This week can be measured not in days, but in time spent worrying. I can't count how many times I've said the words, "It's impossible."

My "impossible" this week had to do with more hurdles in what has felt like a never-ending adoption process we began two years ago. I have to figure out a way over this new hurdle before an immigration deadline expires in two weeks, and in my eyes it is impossible.

As I've prayed over the problem, God has been gracious to gently remind me who is in control. He reminded me of my last two devotions where I wrote these things:

-He is trustWORTHY

-Don't be afraid to pray the prayer that never fails, "Thy will be done"

-Remember where our help comes from

Then He asked me to let go and rest in Him.

It was midnight last night when I finally surrendered and applied these truths to this situation. I still didn't know how this hurdle was going to be overcome (I still don't) but worry was replaced with the "peace beyond understanding" that comes from trust.

I was ready to go to sleep anxiety-free, but I wanted to check on one of my favorite blogs before I went to bed. As her blog loaded on my computer screen, tears popped into my eyes. I couldn't believe what she had written for her latest blog post. This is all it said:

"I have found that there are three stages in every great work of God: first it is impossible, then it is difficult, then it is done."

-J. Hudson Taylor of China Inland Missions

Personal Application:

What about you? Do you have your own "impossible" to overcome this week? Run to the throne and lay it at His feet. Be persistent in your prayers over this issue. Find a prayer partner to pray with you about it and to hold you accountable as you let go of worry.

More of God's Word:

1. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. - Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

2. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. -1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)

3. For nothing is impossible with God. - Luke 1:37 (NIV)

Love,

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Parenting

Today's topic for STLS is:

How have your Christian beliefs affected your parenting?

Great question, Daiquiri! I'm so thankful I don't have to figure this parenting thing out without real help. I pray all the time for help, wisdom, and discernment about how to be the mom God wants me to be. He knows Karissa, Amy, Benjamin, and our future adopted son better than I can ever know them. He knows what they need from me. So I ask Him for help constantly, and I beg Him to cover where I fail.

When we were writing all of the essays for our adoption home study, we were asked this question:

What are your hopes for your children (such as spiritual, physical, emotional, intellectual)?

When I saw today's STLS topic, it reminded me of how I responded to this question on our home study. Here's what I wrote:

It is our prayer that our children will be healthy spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially. We hope that they will have fond memories of childhood, knowing that they were loved and cherished.

Every person is born with God-given gifts and purpose. We hope that our children will understand their purpose and develop their gifts and talents to fulfill that purpose. It will be exciting to watch where their interests take them. We hope that they will have healthy relationships. We also pray that they will be people of character, with integrity, and a confidence that comes from a Biblical self-concept.

Intellectually, we hope that they achieve their potential. We also hope to instill in them spiritual virtues including compassion and generosity and a strong work ethic. God has shared these precious gifts with us for a short time, and then we hope to launch them into the world as productive and secure adults who make a positive impact on the world.

Most importantly, we hope that they will grow up to make the personal decision to know Christ as their savior.

As far as spiritual and character development, I've already shared with you my prayer list. But these are the other ways my beliefs have affected my parenting:

- I don't see my kids as "mine" but gifts on loan.

- I want them to choose Jesus for themselves, not because it is our family thing.

- I want to teach that Truth is not relative to what they want it to be. I want them to have a world view that is built on Truth, not what is politically correct or "feels" right.

- I want them to have joyful lives where they achieve their potential.

- I want them to be healthy in every sense of the word, and I know that spiritual health has to come first.

- I want them to have successful and healthy relationships.

- I want them to be aware of God and how we can see Him all around us and in our lives if we just look and listen.

- I want them to know and love the Bible, God's love letter to them

- I want them to know they are loved and significant and have a unique purpose in this life that only they can fulfill.

- I want them to have an eternal perspective and hope.

- I want them to know it is the greatest privilege of my life to be their Mommy.

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Including Benedict and JJ

A few weeks ago, I posted the prayer list I've been using to pray for my kids. Every day I use the list to pray for their spiritual growth and Biblical character development. I've enjoyed including our boys in those prayers, Benjamin, who will be born next month, as well as Whombie, our unknown son in Africa that we hope to adopt within the next year. But recently I've felt God asking me to also pray for Benedict and JJ as if they were my own children. (Shiloh if you are reading this, it was your comment about your prayers for little Flora that God used to inspire me to do this)

For those unaware of our adoption history, Benedict and JJ are the boys we tried to adopt from Liberia. Both of those cases fell through, and I've often wondered why God allowed us to believe they would be joining our family. I don't know all of the reasons, but I do believe that one of those reasons was to introduce me to them so I could faithfully pray for them throughout their lives.

It is exciting to be praying over these now two and three year old little boys half way across the world that I will never meet in this lifetime. I won't know the outcome of the prayers I've invested in them, but I like to imagine seeing them in Heaven someday and hearing how God moved in their lives and blessed them. They'll never know that they have a spiritual mama in America praying over them, and I'll never know what happens in their lives. It's fun to be the anonymous praying person that they won't even know about. I like to imagine the men they will become and how God will use them in Liberia and how He will develop their unique talents and gifts.

In the Bible Study that I lead on Monday mornings, we've been talking about prayer a lot lately and how you can participate in people's ministries and positively impact their lives just by praying for them. Prayer is an amazing thing, isn't it?

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Too Many

Wow! I knew the number, but it was just a number before I found this video at Beyond Decalf.

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By the Hair of Our Chinny Chin Chins....

We went into immigration today and had our fingerprints updated for our adoption paperwork. We did it JUST in the nick of time. I knew that our immigration approval (I 171-H) expired 18 months after our approval date (May 2007) so I wasn't paying attention to the expiration date of the fingerprints we had done to get that approval. I assumed they would expire at the same time. (You know what they say about assumptions) : )

At the bottom of the I 171-H approval form it says that our fingerprints expire June 4, 2008. Guess what today is! June 3, 2008. I'm so thankful that my friend Angela pointed out the different expiration dates to me or we would have missed it.

The best news of the day was when they told us that today's fingerprints were free because we got them done before they expired. FREE???? I didn't know there was anything free about adoption.

For those adopting and looking at paperwork expiring before your adoptions will be completed, I thought I'd post what I now know about expirations:

- Your immigration fingerprints expire 15 months from the day you got them done, not the day you get your I-600A approval. The day they expire is on the bottom of your I 171-H form.

- Your I-171-H approval expires 18 months from your approval date, not the date you applied.

- If you need to update your fingerprints it will be free if you do it before they expire. Bring your I 171-H approval form with you and your ID. It was a really easy process here. We didn't even need an appointment. Other offices are bigger and busier and do require an appointment.

- If you need to file an extension for your I 171-H approval, you can do that no earlier than 90 days before it expires and no later than the expiration date. If you file for that extension within that window, it will be free also. You get one free extension and will extend your approval for another 18 months. To apply for the extension, you will need an updated homestudy, your marriage license and your birth certificates and your ID.

I hope this all helps someone. : )

Love,

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So What Are We Actually Doing?

I woke up this morning worried that last night's post was a little negative. I hope I wasn't misunderstood. It is just hard to restart a journey you already know is a hard one from past experience. There is a lot of joy in taking these steps and in the thought of whoever our son is. In fact, this morning I woke up daydreaming about both our little boys......Monster Truck and Whombie (you old time blog readers of mine remember.....Whomever He May Be?) : )

So here is what we are doing:

1. Thanks to my friend Angela's phone call this morning, I realized our fingerprints for immigration actually expire in 8 days from now, instead of the two months I thought. So next week, we will be going into INS and updating our fingerprints.

2. We are waiting until after Monster Truck is born to get our new referral.

3. Then we enjoy our little Monster Truck and wait patiently for Whombie to join us. : )

Also, we do plan to continue working with Acres of Hope. I mentioned some of the controversy that happened this winter regarding our agency. I left a comment on last night's post, but thought I'd post it here to make sure you all see where we are at with that. I love people on both sides of the controversy, and have remained a "Switzerland" through all of this, but the call for us is very specific. This was my comment:

After much prayer, we are convinced that our son, whoever he is, is at now or will be in, the Acres of Hope orphanage. Like I said in the post, there have been problems that we are not naive too, but I believe those problems are being addressed. It's weird....this call to adopt for us has been very specific from the beginning and still is....we are supposed to adopt from Liberia and we are supposed to do it through Acres of Hope. We just have to keep trusting that we are where God wants us to be with this.

Love,

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Adoption

Lately, I've recognized how jaded and disillusioned I have become regarding adoption. In the beginning, I dreamt about the little boy who would be joining our family. I blogged about our son and my dreams for him, I devoured other families' adoption blogs, and followed every email coming through our agency's Yahoo group. I celebrated homecomings and anticipated our turn. I was in awe of the miraculous heart changes and circumstances that had led us to adoption and it never crossed my mind to doubt what we were doing.

Then we went through losing the referral for Benedict and the referral for JJ after being so sure they were coming home to us. We rode out a storm of drama and suspicion involving our agency, watching two different "truths" expressed by people we still love and admire. We watched families painfully waiting to bring their children home as bureaucracies held them up because of passport supplies, or denied visas, or a demand for DNA testing, and recently we've wondered if the Librian government would even allow adoptions to continue.

Then we had the amazing gift of this miracle pregnancy happen. As it should be, my heart and focus have been on seeing this little boy born healthy. My dreams have been about him lately, and I've purposefully distanced myself from all things adoption. I've needed rest.

But the question has remained. Was all of that miraculous heart change and circumstances made up? Were we really called to adoption? Was the instruction specifically from Liberia and from Acres of Hope?

Last night Pat and I stayed up until midnight talking about it all. The conclusion we came to was, yes, the call was real and the call remains. I've been praying for months for direction and confirmation and there was something about last night's conversation that cleared up a lot of confusion for me. I had begun to question whether it needed to be from Liberia, or if we should pursue domestic adoption. As we talked, it was clear that God is telling us it is Liberia or not at all. That's how we are being led.

The system is still flawed. Honestly, I'm hesitant to jump back on that roller coaster. In fact I'm going to try to stay off of it and just let God work, continuing to focus on what I have right now. I'm even afraid of what it will be like at the end.

All I know is that in order to obey, there is a specific path laid out before us and we have to step forward.

It's hard to be candid about how I'm feeling about this. I want to be able to say, "Yippee! Isn't this wonderful. I'm so excited," but that wouldn't be true. I'm happy to have direction. I'm trusting that the feelings will return as God's plan unfolds, but for now it is a much more subdued and cautious with my heart Becky that is starting the journey again. I am just so thankful to really know that we are doing the right thing. I'm excited to be able to say in the future someday, "Lord, you did exceedingly and abundantly more than we even asked for. Thank you!"

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Good Idea or God Idea? How Do I Know the Difference?

Many of you know that we have been struggling with making decisions regarding adoption. Right now, our adoption plans are on hold until after our baby is born, but then we have a short window of time to decide how we are going to proceed from there. Liberia's adoption situation is really uncertain and unstable right now, so it isn't clear how we will go in this.

Decision making has always been a tough thing for me, so I was so excited last weekend when Pat and I were at our church's Leadership Conference, and I saw that one of the break out sessions was titled, "Good Ideas or God Ideas?"

The session ended up being so helpful and practical, I thought I'd share the notes I took. Although these are not new ideas, it was good to be reminded of how to seek God in decision making. These steps could apply to any decision that needs to be made.

As a pastor, the speaker said he is constantly presented with new and good ideas people feel passionately about. "Pastor, we need to start a prison ministry." or "Pastor, we need to be more involved in missions and this is a great new program I just heard about." Although all of those are good ideas, one church cannot do it all, and he needed to learn how to discern the difference between a good idea and an idea God was really leading them into. He came up with this five step process to "Get a HANDle on Decision Making."

Using his hands to count them out, he goes through this process for figuring out God's will:

1. Ask yourself, "Have I been in the Word?":
Before someone can discern if a decision is a good idea or a God idea, they need to be studying the Bible. God has given us the Bible as a standard for direction and truth, so He will not give us direction to do something that is contrary to His Word. Plus, there are so many great examples to learn from and mistakes that people made in the Bible that we can apply to our own situations and avoid. The more we read it and study it, the more familiar and less overwhelming it becomes. My friend said he always thinks that the Bible has wet ink, like it was just written yesterday, because it is still so applicable to his life.


2. Have I prayed about it? And have I been persistent in praying about it?:
The Greek verb ask in Matthew 7:7 should really read keep asking.
(Keep Asking) Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you - Matthew 7:7

It is about persistent prayer. Not because God wants us to grovel, but because His ways are different than ours and this may be an issue of timing. I may not be asking for the right thing yet. He may have something much bigger and better than I can imagine.

3. Do I have peace about the decision I'm about to make?:
When we are headed in the right direction in God's will, there is peace as confirmation. Colossians 3:15 says,"Let the peace of God rule in your heart." The Greek verb rule is the same word for umpire. Let His peace rule your situation and decision making.

4. I need to seek out wise counsel before I make this decision:
This is not about asking everyone you know for their opinion. This will just lead to confusion because even if they are great, wise, people, we all have differing opinions. We've found that with our adoption question. The opinions are all coming from people we love and respect and they all feel strongly about how we are to proceed. Instead, you need to seek out those people you know who will go through this process along side of you before they have an opinion. Choose wise counselors, ask them to search God's Word for you and to sincerely and persistently pray for you and then see how they feel led in this situation and take into consideration their advice.

Proverbs 15:22 says, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed."

5. Then I need to WAIT: Don't rush the decision. Wait until you are sure that you've gotten your answer from God. Don't get ahead of Him. Wait for His lead. This is the hardest part for me! I just want a decision made! I HATE waiting!

The speaker told the story of a lady in his church who was really into horses and trained them. She was talking to him about this part of Psalm 32:

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye. Do not be like the horse or like the mule, which have no understanding, which must be harnessed with bit and bridle.

She was saying how she has some horses who know her so well that all she has to do is look in a direction and they will follow the lead of her glance. That's how God wants us to follow Him. Know Him so well, that we don't have to be dragged around by bit and bridle in order to go where He wants to lead us. Knowing Him like that takes time and relationship.

We still have no answer. I think we don't because the timing isn't right yet. What I was so excited about was thinking about using this time to get to know Him even better, to be persistent in praying for that answer, to keep reading His Word and asking my good friends to be in prayer for us. I feel peace now that regardless of the direction He gives us, as we do these five things, He'll lead and we won't have to be confused. I want to get to the point where He glances in the right direction and we joyfully walk that way.

Great stuff, huh? This conference was awesome!

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A Glimmer of Direction Regarding Adoption

(Click here to go directly to the book recommendation blog carnival.)

I've been carrying around a heavy question mark regarding our adoption, wondering what God wants us to do, but feeling absolutely no direction. Although I don't feel like we've gotten "the answer" we keep waiting for, I do feel like we've been given a glimmer of direction of what steps to take next.

Lately, I keep saying, "Lord, my answer is yes. I just need to know what I'm supposed to say yes to." His response has been silence. There hasn't been a sense of release, like it's over, and we are supposed to walk away, and there hasn't been any feeling as if we are supposed to continue either.

I thought I sensed in Pat that he was completely done. It has been a long and frustrating experience, and I wanted to give him space. So, I reverted to the plan I had in the very beginning, "Be quiet and pray." I've just been waiting to see what God would do.

Today, Pat brought up the topic of adoption, and it felt so good to hear from him what he was thinking and to see that we were both in the exact same place - Willing to be obedient, but unsure of how to be obedient in this case.

We can't rely on emotions, because we both feel like all of the romance and excitement is gone completely from the adoption process for us. We both know that emotions are deceptive and unreliable anyway. But maybe that is a good thing, because this should not be about how we feel, but about commitment and a desire to follow where Jesus leads, comfortable or not. I think the feelings will return once we restart the process if that is how God leads, but for now we are numb about it all.

The conclusion that we came to is that we are not ready to accept a referral right now, but we are also not ready to burn any bridges. I sent an email to our agency letting them know that our intention is to pursue a new referral in six months from now. We are also contacting our local agency to have our homestudy updated. Like I said, it is just a glimmer of direction, not a detailed map. I sense that God is going to give us this direction in bite-size pieces on a "need to know" basis. This is best, because it will require that we are completely reliant on Him- not our own wisdom or emotion- every step of the way. Where are we headed? I don't know- but He does! : )

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So, What Was the Point?

My daughter, Amy, and I had a dentist appointment this morning. As we were driving in the car, she said, "Mommy, how many kids are going to be in our family, anyway?"

My answer was, "Well, I know we are going to have at least three. There will be Sissy and you and the new baby. But so far, God has said, "No" about adopting. I'm not sure what is going to happen with our adoption. We'll have to wait and see what He says He wants us to do."

To this she said, "Hmmm, I think it is time to get mad at God."

That surprised me. : ) I have been so thankful for the childlike faith of our girls as we've gone through all of this loss. They have an eternal perspective that most adults are lacking, and they have been so good about understanding when God says, "No."

I spent the rest of the drive telling her why I've learned not to get mad at God. I talked to her about how every decision God has made for us has been for a good purpose. I tried to explain how I've seen beautiful things come out of disappointments and how much I trust God. Our conversation seemed to satisfy her four (almost five) year-old sense of justice.

Her comment left me thinking, though. I feel really peaceful about putting our adoption on hold. I'm looking forward to the precious time alone with our baby. My due date is the first day of school, so Amy will be going to Kindergarten, and Karissa will be in first grade, and I will have some special one on one time with Baby every morning. But I don't feel settled about the idea of God maybe saying, "No" altogether about our adoption.

We don't have much time. Our agency has basically given us approximately 6 months to decide if we want to continue or not, and then they will need to move our case to inactive. Inactive means if we ever decide to continue to adopt in the future, we will have to start over- application, new homestudy, paperwork, financially, everything. If we seek another referral before that six month window is up, everything we've done and paid so far can apply. As long as we stay in active status.

So, if after 6 months, we don't have the spiritual green light to proceed, I can't help but ask, "Why did You start this Lord? We certainly didn't start this whole thing. You did. So why? What was the purpose if we don't end up with a child at the end?"

When Rachel, our adoption coordinator, called the other day to talk through options with me, she helped me so much by sharing one of her own stories. She told me about a time before she was married when she was going through something that wasn't turning out "the way it is supposed to." She kept asking Jesus, "What was the purpose of this?" And His answer was, "Rachel, if the purpose of this was nothing more than making you more like me, would that be enough?" She said her answer at first was, "No- that's not a good enough reason." But she got to the point of being able to say, "Yes, Lord, if that is the only reason, it is enough."

The Westminster Catechism says that the chief end of man is, "To glorify God and enjoy Him forever." I believe that wholeheartedly. My purpose for being here is to love God, be loved by Him, enjoy Him, and glorify Him. I want my life to attract others to Him. Being Christlike is a part of that. If the only purpose of this whole crazy adoption journey is just to become more like Jesus, than yes, that is enough. No matter what, I know that He has been glorified through this experience, and I trust the truth of Isaiah 55:8-9.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9

I guess we'll all just have to "stay tuned" to see how He leads this family. I'm confident that whatever way He leads, it will be "just right."

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Feelings Vs. Truth

(If you are here for Lysa's recipe swap, you can click here to skip to that post. I'm sorry that I forgot to link directly to that post)

Arriving at a huge road block in our adoption journey has not been easy. My emotions have been all over the map.

My feelings have been telling me God has tricked us and betrayed us. I remember the call He placed on my heart and my husband's heart. Neither one of us desired to adopt, but God did an amazing and miraculous work on both of us that led us to the point of being able to say, "Yes."

Then our hearts moved from being able to say yes, to desiring this new child very much. But our journey to obey has met obstacle after obstacle and now we are unable to move forward. Whether or not this is a temporary or permanent stop along the way, we don't know.

So, is it true that God tricked us into wanting this, into beginning the journey? Did He set me up for further disappointment? Can I trust my feelings as trustworthy? The answer to all of the above is no.

I am so grateful that truth is not dependent upon how I feel or upon circumstances I don't understand. God has given me a resource for unchanging Truth, the standard to measure all circumstances against. The Bible.

I can see the fault in my emotions by reading this:

"Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I can trust the call we heard by reading this:

"When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice." John 10:4

I can trust God's heart for orphans by reading this:

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

I can learn how to respond to this by reading this:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

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