Thursday, April 3, 2008

A Glimmer of Direction Regarding Adoption

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I've been carrying around a heavy question mark regarding our adoption, wondering what God wants us to do, but feeling absolutely no direction. Although I don't feel like we've gotten "the answer" we keep waiting for, I do feel like we've been given a glimmer of direction of what steps to take next.

Lately, I keep saying, "Lord, my answer is yes. I just need to know what I'm supposed to say yes to." His response has been silence. There hasn't been a sense of release, like it's over, and we are supposed to walk away, and there hasn't been any feeling as if we are supposed to continue either.

I thought I sensed in Pat that he was completely done. It has been a long and frustrating experience, and I wanted to give him space. So, I reverted to the plan I had in the very beginning, "Be quiet and pray." I've just been waiting to see what God would do.

Today, Pat brought up the topic of adoption, and it felt so good to hear from him what he was thinking and to see that we were both in the exact same place - Willing to be obedient, but unsure of how to be obedient in this case.

We can't rely on emotions, because we both feel like all of the romance and excitement is gone completely from the adoption process for us. We both know that emotions are deceptive and unreliable anyway. But maybe that is a good thing, because this should not be about how we feel, but about commitment and a desire to follow where Jesus leads, comfortable or not. I think the feelings will return once we restart the process if that is how God leads, but for now we are numb about it all.

The conclusion that we came to is that we are not ready to accept a referral right now, but we are also not ready to burn any bridges. I sent an email to our agency letting them know that our intention is to pursue a new referral in six months from now. We are also contacting our local agency to have our homestudy updated. Like I said, it is just a glimmer of direction, not a detailed map. I sense that God is going to give us this direction in bite-size pieces on a "need to know" basis. This is best, because it will require that we are completely reliant on Him- not our own wisdom or emotion- every step of the way. Where are we headed? I don't know- but He does! : )


S and K said...

What a wonderful response... saying YES to the Lord without even knowing what it is He is asking!
I Love this attitude and I truly want to make it my own!

Stephanie M said...

Why is it always on a need-to-know basis? :) Thats ALWAYS been my experience!!

Jamie said...

What a great post! I can't imagine all you've been through in your adoption and its awesome to see you are able to step back and let God lead you. We haven't even been given a referral but we're at that point too, asking God what He wants us to we continue in this with everything going on or what? I know we want to adopt, but I keep wondering if He still wants us to do it now and keep pursuing it. Praying for you!

Crystal said...

Praying for you!!! We are in a bit of a quagmire ourselves regarding adoption. We will see what God's plan is, it is so hard for me to be patient though : ) We had a failed adoption in Sierra Leone before Luke came home. I wouldn't change it now, but that doesn't make what is happening in Liberia nay easier : )

Anonymous said...

Becky, you are the woman that I always pray to be: "She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." Prov 31:26 Love, Mom

Anonymous said...

I love your new look Becky--I hope it didn't take you too long. Mom