My daughter, Amy, and I had a dentist appointment this morning. As we were driving in the car, she said, "Mommy, how many kids are going to be in our family, anyway?"
My answer was, "Well, I know we are going to have at least three. There will be Sissy and you and the new baby. But so far, God has said, "No" about adopting. I'm not sure what is going to happen with our adoption. We'll have to wait and see what He says He wants us to do."
To this she said, "Hmmm, I think it is time to get mad at God."
That surprised me. : ) I have been so thankful for the childlike faith of our girls as we've gone through all of this loss. They have an eternal perspective that most adults are lacking, and they have been so good about understanding when God says, "No."
I spent the rest of the drive telling her why I've learned not to get mad at God. I talked to her about how every decision God has made for us has been for a good purpose. I tried to explain how I've seen beautiful things come out of disappointments and how much I trust God. Our conversation seemed to satisfy her four (almost five) year-old sense of justice.
Her comment left me thinking, though. I feel really peaceful about putting our adoption on hold. I'm looking forward to the precious time alone with our baby. My due date is the first day of school, so Amy will be going to Kindergarten, and Karissa will be in first grade, and I will have some special one on one time with Baby every morning. But I don't feel settled about the idea of God maybe saying, "No" altogether about our adoption.
We don't have much time. Our agency has basically given us approximately 6 months to decide if we want to continue or not, and then they will need to move our case to inactive. Inactive means if we ever decide to continue to adopt in the future, we will have to start over- application, new homestudy, paperwork, financially, everything. If we seek another referral before that six month window is up, everything we've done and paid so far can apply. As long as we stay in active status.
So, if after 6 months, we don't have the spiritual green light to proceed, I can't help but ask, "Why did You start this Lord? We certainly didn't start this whole thing. You did. So why? What was the purpose if we don't end up with a child at the end?"
When Rachel, our adoption coordinator, called the other day to talk through options with me, she helped me so much by sharing one of her own stories. She told me about a time before she was married when she was going through something that wasn't turning out "the way it is supposed to." She kept asking Jesus, "What was the purpose of this?" And His answer was, "Rachel, if the purpose of this was nothing more than making you more like me, would that be enough?" She said her answer at first was, "No- that's not a good enough reason." But she got to the point of being able to say, "Yes, Lord, if that is the only reason, it is enough."
The Westminster Catechism says that the chief end of man is, "To glorify God and enjoy Him forever." I believe that wholeheartedly. My purpose for being here is to love God, be loved by Him, enjoy Him, and glorify Him. I want my life to attract others to Him. Being Christlike is a part of that. If the only purpose of this whole crazy adoption journey is just to become more like Jesus, than yes, that is enough. No matter what, I know that He has been glorified through this experience, and I trust the truth of Isaiah 55:8-9.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9
I guess we'll all just have to "stay tuned" to see how He leads this family. I'm confident that whatever way He leads, it will be "just right."