I had to write a tough email today. I sent an email to Acres of Hope informing them of our decision to stop our adoption process. In the email I asked them to move us to inactive status.
The decision to stop the process has been made for awhile, but I could not bring myself to accept the finality of it. I procrastinated making it final with AOH, and I have been procrastinating making this announcement on here.
Earlier this month, we reached the two year mark of trying to adopt from Liberia. I was so hopeful and excited when we began the journey. I couldn't wait to get our little boy home to us. Many of you reading this have been following our adoption process from the beginning. We have met obstacle after obstacle along the way, and lost two referrals for two little boys who will forever be my spiritual sons. I just kept pushing on, though, thinking we would get there someday. Then more obstacles have come up recently- we missed immigration deadlines, our homestudy update couldn't be completed before our I-600A approval expired. So many doors have shut, but I kept wanting to keep going.
People who have adopted kept telling me, "Obstacles are a part of this process. You have to keep pushing forward to get to the blessing. Don't give up!" But family members gave up a long time ago, some believing it never was God's will for us to adopt and all of the closed doors and obstacles were His way of saying no. One friend felt it was crystal clear to her what the decision needed to be, but nothing was clear to me.
I was so confused. God loves orphans. It is clear in the Bible that His will is for us to take care of them. We wanted to and we tried to, so why didn't He let us. All of this shook my faith a little. Maybe I never really heard His voice. Maybe I made this all up. Maybe as it has been suggested, I only wanted to adopt to fill the void of the losses of my biological babies.
It was only after I finally realized that my husband was ready to move on with our life, that this had become about Becky trying to make something happen, that I knew I needed to give up. Adoption can not be something that only one parent wants to do.
I also realized that part of my motivation to continue included proving the naysayers wrong. I wanted to show them that I did hear God's voice. He did tell us to do this. I did witness those miracles that got us on this journey in the first place. I didn't do this to fill a void. I did this because I was being obedient and sincerely had a desire to adopt. Both of us did. Throughout this process, Pat and I have talked a lot about how we knew we were in God's will. The journey WAS God's will for our family. The destination just ended up in a place so different than I expected. We always said we knew we were on the right road, we just didn't know where that road would end.
So, as strange as it is. As much as it is beyond my understanding. God's will is now for us to no longer try to adopt a child from Liberia. I don't understand, but I do trust.
I just can't say enough how much I have valued and been grateful for the love and prayers that have covered our adoption journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for supporting us through it all.
All my life I have wanted to have children. I looked forward to it. Planned for it. And now we've decided that we are finished building our family. It is time to just BE a family. It is such an odd place to be. It's the closing of one chapter of my life and the opening of a new one.
I can say without hesitation that I am so very, very, very grateful for the three precious kids God has blessed us with. All three are my miracles.