That was the title of my blog post on Tuesday.
You see, Saturday night while we were at Mom and Dad's, I decided to do a little finishing touches on my book proposal for the conference. As I researched for the "competition" section on my proposal, I made a startling discovery. Guess what I found.
The two editors I had made appointments to meet with, the two I'd prayed over so much, represented publishing companies that had just released their very own books on the topic of- you guessed it- miscarriage.
At that moment, I knew that I would be wasting their time pitching competition for books they had just published on the same subject.
There I was:
- 10 hours away from home
- Four days away from the conference
- Totally and completely prepared to pitch a book I now knew they would not want.
I did what any girl would do.
I spent the entire day Sunday mourning the loss of that particular expectation and dream. I had felt the weight so much of being a scholarship winner for the conference. I knew there were so many women who wanted the gift I was given, and I was determined not to waste it. So, I was so ready. I had handouts, sample chapters, a beautiful proposal, and then- nothing.
As I cried it out on Sunday, I learned something. I had wrapped up so much hope in getting that book published because I was counting on the book bringing meaning to our loss. God had to show me that the beauty He was and will continue to bring out of our hurt had nothing to do with me or my book.
He also showed me I was relying on myself. I wanted to be ready. I wanted to be prepared. I didn't leave any room for miracles, so He took away the crutches I was leaning on.
That night I made a crazy decision. I have a novel I've been working on, and I decided right then I was supposed to pitch that book instead. It wasn't ready though. So I didn't sleep for the next three days, worked all the way home in the car, spent hours on the telephone with my amazing dad editing what I did have, and then had to leave Thursday morning far less prepared then I would have ever wanted.
While we were in the air, my friend Rochelle handed me her devotion book she was reading. I read the devotion, overwhelmed and grateful that it was a message just for me. Here's an excerpt:
Streams in the Dessert
July 31 With skillful hands he led them - Psalm 78:72
When you are unsure which course to take, totally submit your own judgement to that of the Spirit of God, asking Him to shut every door except the right one. But meanwhile keep moving ahead and consider the absence of a direct indication from God to be the evidence of His will that your are on His path. And as you continue down the long road, you will find that He has gone before you, locking doors you otherwise would have been inclined to enter. Yet you can be sure that somewhere beyond the locked doors in one He has left unlocked. - F.B. Meyer
I knew God wrote that devotion just for Becky. You see every day this plays out in my house.
Prince Charming still has not figured out how to crawl right. (And he doesn't listen to his mommy either when I tell him he'll never be able to read because of it!) But man can he scoot! He's fast!
His sisters keep forgetting to close doors behind them, so when he sees an opportunity, he looks me in the eye and it is almost as if he says The race is on Mommy!
He scoots as fast as he can, trying to beat me to the bathroom door before I can close it in his face.
It dawned on me. How often do I do that with the Lord? How often do I try to race Him to a door before He closes it?
He's a loving parent, closing those doors I might be inclined to walk through but one day He's going to leave one open for me. It will be the "JUST RIGHT FOR BECKY" door and instead of just leaving it open for me, He'll come and lead me by the hand through it together.
Stripping away my security of being able to pitch the book I felt comfortable pitching opened doors for miracles. And those miracles happened all weekend long!
I just happened to run into just the right people to help bring me peace, to show me new ways of doing things, to encourage me and teach me, and I was able to present BOTH books to editors and other people who took my proposals and one sheets. Now I'm just waiting to see how God leads for the next step in writing and speaking.
I made friends that I'm so thankful for and spent time praying in the prayer room with a sweet lady named Charlotte who will never know how much God used her to touch me.
I felt so blessed and so loved by God. I wish I had the ability to explain it all, but it would be impossible.
Thank you, Lord for loving me. You are so good to me!