"She Speaks Conference" Contest Entry

I'll never forget the Women's Retreat I went to in May of 2005. I was Mom to two precious little girls, five months pregnant with our third baby, and full of dreams for the future.

The speaker spent a lot of time talking about dreams that weekend, and ended one session by sending us out for quiet time to ask God if He shared our dreams.

Finding a quiet spot by myself, I brainstormed a list of dreams, lifting them to Him, and asking Him if He shared those dreams with me. I wrote about 20 things and have forgotten most or them, but I can close my eyes and still three of them written out:

- I want a son

- I want to write a book someday

- I want to have an effective ministry

I said, "Amen", put the list in my Bible, excited about what God would do with those dreams, and finished up the retreat. I literally drove down from the mountain top to my own deepest valley.

Two days later, I went into my five month ultrasound appointment, excited to see the baby boy I'd asked God for. Instead, we saw a silent heartbeat. Our baby boy was gone. As readers of my blog, you know that three more miscarriages and two failed adoption attempts followed that loss.

This is what God decided to do with my dreams?

It wasn't an easy process, but four years later, I've seen Him do miraculous things. Great healing things. And He has taken my dreams and refined them, making them new, and promising me He will fulfill them in His way, and in His time. I now know that He does share my dreams. He's the one who gave them to me. I trust Him to bring them about in a way I can't imagine yet. His way will produce fruit and make that effective ministry I dream about. I'm still excited to see what He will do with my dreams.

He's already begun to bring the beauty out of the ashes:

-Today, I have a beautiful, healthy seven-month-old son.

-Today, I've written a book. It is not the novel I dreamt of writing. After my second miscarriage, I was in the shower and stepped out with an outline for a book on healing after pregnancy loss. I started writing it then, and continued writing it after the next two miscarriages. I didn't know how it would ever come together to be a whole book, but it did. The whole thing was a gift from God. Every word of it was something He gave me. I'd feel compelled to write, write it down, and then go months unable to write any more. Eventually, it was finished and God took all those pieces and made it a whole. Now I'm not sure what He wants to do with it. Was it just for me? Or does He have plans to use it to help other hurting women and families? I don't know.

- Today, I've been able to minister to women around me in a way I never could have without tasting hurt myself. He's opened doors through my church for writing and teaching, and I'm hoping for more open doors in the future.

One of the ways I'm trusting Him is with the timing of the rest. I'm content right now to be a mom and a housewife. I truly love what I do and where I'm at, and I don't want to be in a hurry to move forward. But I also long to be trained for women's ministry. I long to see my book helping others if it is meant to. I want so much to learn how to be an effective speaker and teacher.

I know I can learn those things at the "She Speaks Conference" put on by Proverbs 31 Ministries in Charlotte, NC. God did miraculous things to get me there two years ago. I learned more in that one weekend than I can ever put in words, and it inspired me to finish the book that was just an outline at the time. I really believe that I am supposed to go back there again someday. There was so much more to learn than I could fit into one weekend. I don't know if this is the year or not, but I know that if I'm right, if God wants me there again, He'll make a way. It will take another miracle from Him to get me there. : )

A cross-country airplane ticket, three days in a hotel, and the conference fees are definitely not in the budget. When I saw that Proverbs 31 Ministries was hosting a blog contest to win a scholarship to this year's conference, I knew I wanted to try, to put this in the Lord's hands again and wait and see what He is going to do. If I win the chance to go, I'll praise Him for the gift. If He says "no" or "not yet," I'm determined to wait for His timing, His open doors, and His equipping me for what He's got for me to do.

I've tried on my own to push open doors, or try to make things happen, and it has been the wrong timing. The people pleaser and achiever in me has had a hard lesson to learn of being at peace with where I'm at right now, not needing anyone's approval other than God's, and the patience to wait. He's changing me, teaching me, molding me, and I have sooooo far to go. I feel and see my inadequacies and sometimes I'm afraid, and amazed to think I could do any of this anyway. I'm so thankful that He'll make me ready for whatever He gives me to do. He'll provide the training and equipping I need. I'm hoping the She Speaks Conference is in those plans. : ) For the first time, though, I truly am content in the waiting. I'm not in a hurry. I was afraid to enter this contest and try to do things according to my timeline again, but I prayed a lot about it, and waited to the last possible moment to enter, but I felt like I had God's OK to try.

If you have an opportunity to go to this conference, I can not encourage you enough to take that opportunity. It was a life changing weekend, and I'm so excited to go back!

Thank you to the judges from P31 who stopped by my blog and considered me for this scholarship. Your ministry inspires me so much.

Love,

Thank you to everyone who is stopping by to congratulate me. It means so much to me. I just wrote about winning here. You are all in my prayers. I hope I get to meet you this summer. : )

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