Sunday, August 24, 2008

Where Does My Help Come From?

Every time I look at our baby, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude for the beautiful baby he is. Gratitude for the healing that has happened in my heart. Gratitude for countless prayers that have covered him and me and this pregnancy. I'm sometimes still surprised that I'm not pregnant anymore, that I'm not waiting for the son I believed God promised me years ago, that we made it.

I was visiting Daiquiri's blog this morning and saw that the Seek the Lord Sunday topic was the Psalms. She wanted people to write about their favorite Psalm or about one that has spoken to you recently.

I was reminded of a night at the beginning of my pregnancy when I was sure I was going to lose this baby, too. I was six weeks along and started spotting. Three of my four pregnancy losses happened later in my pregnancy and were without warning, we just discovered through ultrasound that the baby's heart had stopped beating. But one of the four happened at six weeks, the same spot in my pregnancy I was that night when the spotting started. With that miscarriage, I started spotting, then it turned into a period, and then my pregnancy was over. This time, knowing I was six weeks along and spotting again, I was certain I was miscarrying again.

It was another one of those times when God asked me to "run to the throne, not the phone." It was late at night, my husband wasn't home, and my first instinct was to call him. But I sensed God telling my heart, "Run to me."

I was too emotional to pray. I cried and sobbed, but words wouldn't come to me. All I could think of was the beginning of Psalm 121:

I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

I just kept repeating that over and over again. Finally, I remember praying, "Lord, you are the only hope we have. Nobody can save this baby. You are the baby's only hope. You are my only hope. Please help us now."

I curled up on my bed, fell asleep, and by mid-morning the bleeding had stopped. It never started again. And today, my baby is sucking on his binkie, swinging in his baby swing, and lost in sweet dreams.

I learned that night that there really is no greater source of help in our times of need. I could have called my husband or my mom. I could have surfed the Internet for answers and hope. I could have called the doctor on call, but everyone was powerless to stop a miscarriage if it was truly happening. Only God had the power to protect that fragile little life inside of me. Only God had the peace for me to be able to fall asleep. And only God could give me this amazing gift nine months later.

He used the Psalms so many times throughout all of these losses and through this pregnancy. Psalms that comforted me. Psalms that reminded me to lean on him. And Psalms that gave me promises and hope.

I now know this to be absolutely true:

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. - Psalm 147:3

(This post later inspired this devotion if you'd like to see it)


The Mom said...

Thank you for sharing that.

Denise said...

Amen sweetie.

Amy said...

That's beautiful Becky and so true!

Daiquiri said...

Praise, praise, praise HIM! I love you, Beck. Thanks for sharing your story :)


Alyce said...

That was beautiful and so is he!!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing how you truly clung to the Lord during a very dark night. I am so happy to read that you are now holding this precious life in your arms!

Sonya Lee Thompson said...

I'm crying over here! That was beautiful. I am sorry for all of the previous pains, but so grateful for your new blessing! Praise God for healing our hearts and once again filling our hearts with joy.

Love You!
God Bless,

Anonymous said...

I can't stop crying...for past pain and the joy you must be feeling right now. Hannah is now 8 months old and I still look at her and can't believe she is here. God blessed ME with this little girl. We waited so long for her and had so much pain while we waited. I think it makes these moments so much sweeter. I am so happy for you!!!

Anonymous said...

You have no idea what this post means to me. Thank you for sharing it.

Congratulations on your BEAUTIFUL baby boy. He's precious.

beckyjune said...

You are such an inspiration to us all, Becky. When we lived next door to you I only knew a small part of the pain you were going through. I am so grateful for your unwavering trust in the Lord through your seemingly endless trials. I am so thankful that you have finally been blessed with this beautiful little boy. Congratulations from all of us down here in Texas. We still miss Boise and hope that sometime we'll be able to go back and visit again.

Julie said...

A beautiful post and a beautiful story....

He fulfilled a longing of your heart.

I found you from Lysa's blog. It's nice to meet you..


Heaven said...

I'm here from Lysa's blog. Neither one of my boys weren't supposed to be born due to childhood abuse, yet they are now 12 and 8. Isn't God incredible!

Blessings to you and your family. Your post reminded me that my hyper rugrats are truly miracles, and just happened to be perfect timing since they are running from one end of the house to the other, screaming at each other:)

Your baby is Beautiful!!!

Jami said...

Wow! This is a powerful story. I love how you said run to the throne instead of the phone. Great reminder. God bless you!!

I'm over from Lysa Terkeurst's blog by the way! :)